Lord Akoroth’s court – entry 02.04

“You know record keeper, I know I have been moping around over this whole White lady business but you must understand I simply do not understand the ladies.”

“That may be my Lord Akoroth. But there is no more black paint left in the land and the hands of the mournful violinists have eroded down to stubs.”

“True. But their leg-violin skills are getting exceptional. Anyway back to more important things – Where have I gone wrong record keeper? Will you not hear my woes?”

“Well I am chained to the wall sire.”

“Well, when my guards came to fetch you, you ran screaming I know what he wants to talk about and it won’t happen unless you chain my ass twenty feet up a wall.”

“Your literal perceptions are as sharp as ever my Lord”

“I believe in granting wishes. Anyway focus. It’s not like I haven’t tried out-of-the-box solutions. Remember that time I tried to exploit lady insecurities with that beauty product line-up?”

“The ‘U-R-UGLY’ line sire? But that’s a huge success. Not only did we manage to invent several hundred new insecurities among the female population but we also made billions of rupees with it. It is a major part of our MWM index. I believe we are coming up with the new ‘Toe softener’ line”

“Yes but the whole idea was to help me with the ladies since I could work on their insecurities”

“Well no one could have anticipated that the ‘ladies’ would either spend all their time getting ready or get ready and decide they were now too beautiful for you”

“Yes that was an unexpected result. What a waste”

“Not quite sire, it does pay for the dungeons”

“And those chains you are hanging in. Irony is delicious. Moving on, what about the motion pictures division? That was one of your ideas right? You said the girls would drool all over me, you said they would watch the romance and believe in love and swoon”

“Look my Lord the movies made good money. And I believe I had stipulated that you would need to act in the films”

“Yes you would want that wouldn’t you? Film me for public consumption! So that they can all watch me! All those people staring me, looking at me! I could barely sleep 11 hours that night you know. GAURDS! Chain him higher”

***Records indicate five-minute silence.***

“Where were we?”

“About 35 feet lower my Lord”

“No I meant with my problems”

“Oh that.  My Lord you were wear black a lot and sit in this empty hall with men chained to the walls. And you insist on putting everything you do on public record! AND When a girl says I love you the reply is NOT Me too! You don’t exactly match the expec-”

“What? Those pansies who shave and promise to die for the girl? Look freak if I am going to die for ANYONE then its going to be because Lord Zalthor and I are sinking to the bottom of the lake”

“My Lord, I usually don’t delve into your ‘special’ relationship with the other Lords, but that doesn’t even make sense. Not even to me.”

“Well I had a dream once where me and Lord Zalthor were on a boat, I don’t know why, and suddenly he mentioned that he didn’t know how to swim. Then I attempted to push him over. Next thing I know we were both underwater and sinking. It was either let go and leave his survival to chance or just to hold on tight and make a sacrifice for all time…it was very interesting. I wonder what my mind is trying to tell me”

“Er…okay…I think I rather discuss your sex life my Lord”

“I don’t think you are doing a good job. It the fact that I have NO SEX that is the problem”

“Why don’t you just wait for the right one my Lord? You are only 23 and its the most sure-fire way of finding true happiness. And it will be mostly be long-lasting. AND this way the lady will mostly actually be in love with you”

“Wait? JUST wait? That’s your suggestion? You are useless. I am leaving. My new yacht has arrived and I want to find out if Lord Zalthor has some time to go sailing”

“Very good my lord. Shall I be let down?”

“Why don’t you wait for the right time Record Keeper”

“Very well my Lord”

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