The greatest how-to cooking video (Evah!)


How-to videos are a truly the great boon of the golden era we live in. Whether you want to know how to dispose of a body or how to screw in a nut, you will find some expert (or dimwit) showing you how to do it on YouTube. But the time has come to ask – are we going too far with this? For as a specimen, I present exhibit A – how to make a three-cheese blend.

You can watch the video right here below. Go ahead. It is both wonderfully concise and stupefying EXACTLY what you would imagine such a video would be.

Of course, once you do watch the video, the number of questions quickly escalate. Why is was it uploaded separately from what was, presumably, a larger recipe on how to make the pizza?

Why is the chef, who is eager to remind us that he is a two-time chef, sweating as if he is mixing gunpowder with depleted Uranium and napalm? What does he know about the dangers of mixing these three cheeses that we don’t?

For that matter, what the heck is a two-time chef? Is he two-timing his clients (one main and one on the side)? Or is this just the second time in his life that he is being a chef?

And who is this video even aimed for? People so ignorant of cooking that they need to be shown how to dump three bowls of shredded cheese into a bigger bowl, but sophisticated enough to want a three-cheese blend on their food…and picky enough to want to know, from a chef, what sort of cheeses blend well?

Seems…like a niche audience…possibly of one.

It’s not like the chef doesn’t seem to know it. Just have a look at his final expression – a three-blend mixture of utter resignation, total contempt and a complete loss of faith in humanity.

The commentators for the video…were not generous. Here are a few samples –

AnythingFPS1: Woah woah WOAH, dude, slow the fuck down, im not Gordon Ramsay, you insanely technical genius. The bar on this video is way too fucking high! So, first things first, what the fuck is ‘cheese’?

TheInfusedNZ1: Not clear. Burnt down my house and married a goat.

CazzaMcSpazza1: I want to make a four cheese blend pizza. Could you make a video to show me how? Thanks.

ColdSpark8241: Now that I put them all in the bowl, how do I get them out again?

Dan Legroulx1: Your video was so insightful! Cooking makes sense to me now. I do have one question though. Does the order in which you combine the ingredients make a difference? I have a hard time following recipes… Thanks much

MMAHumor1: Instructions were too difficult to follow…. Some how my dick got caught in between my neighbours’ window.

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