Five things people need to stop telling me

This is stuff that people with whom I share perfectly ordinary relationships have told me over the years.

People have lost sense of what these ideas are supposed to mean.

If you feel there is something to complain about this list, feel free to leave a comment below. I will be sure to add it to new list.

Cheers!

1) I forgot to call you back

old telephone

If this were 1962 and your idea of communication with people not in your immediate vicinity was a phone the size and weight of a rock, through which you could occasionally, when it worked, hear a weird crackling voice that could be a transmission from Mars…

THEN you can ‘forget’ about calling me back for several days.

This is 20 fucking 12.

Between seeing me online on about a hundred messengers,
Avoiding commenting on my status updates,
And ignoring my tweets and group messages on WhatsApp…

…the only way you can technically ‘forget’ my existence is if you put a gun to your forehead and blow your technology-softened brains out the other end.

Incidentally, Remember that time you clicked my picture so that you can see a HD picture of my smiling mug every time I call or message you?

Well, now when you see the thumbnail of that picture as you scroll through your contacts, your call list, your messages or your image gallery, just remember I may be smiling on the outside, but I have been giving you the finger in spirit for several days.

2) Okay, I didn’t FORGET forget, I was just busy…

people

Doing what?

When we were in eighth standard, you and me thought we would change the world. We had dreams and hopes and what not. We were young and free and totally not pansies.

That was a decade ago.

Now you have a corporate job. You are like an accountant or a software coder or a content writer or something.

You perform a pre-defined task in a pre-defined manner in a pre-defined time, all of which was set up by an “optimizing committee” years ago to ensure that in case of an emergency, a trained chimpanzee could do your job.

This is not a slur against the chimpanzee, a noble and highly intelligent ape.

This is to point out that if the same amount of training and Pavlovian principles were applied, it would be just as easy for a whole other species to do your job.

Will your answer to “where have you been?” be eventually described by critics as “a moving tale of life, love, present, future and past whose 900-page length often feels too short for a story this magnificent…”

THEN you can officially call yourself “busy-ish”

On the other hand, if your answer can be formulated by attaching the words ‘I was’ to the qualifiers ‘busy‘, ‘out‘, ‘doing stuff’…

Then why don’t you go the fuck online and Google the word ‘perspective’.

3) Hey! Just respect my need for space…

Ah space, the final frontier.

There you are in your house, in your room, on your bed, on your side.

You could totally be naked right now. You could try out those weird Kamasutra positions like the lotus or the upside crane.

You could go totally bat-shit insane and place cold drink on a table and NOT use a coaster.

Why?

BECAUSE NO ONE CAN FUCKING SEE YOU!

There has possibly never been a time in human history when, as individuals, we have had more personal space. Your shower is bigger than the homes of most people 100 years ago.

And yet you want space.

Because you know, that one guy, that you, like, saw in that movie that one time, he like, totally went off and was like, you know, alone and stuff, and he like totally got, like, an epiphany and shit, and that, like, changed his life man.

And you could totally do that, be like, in your own zone, know what I mean?

Well I hope someone knows what this means, I sure as fuck have no idea.

4) Yeah? Well, you have too many expectations

You know that annoying feeling you get when I don’t end the call even though you totally told me you were ‘busy’ doing ‘stuff’ and had to go ‘out’?

You know…that feeling as if someone is taking a grater and running it up and down your back?

You know how all of that is happening because I am just not doing what you want me to do?

Yeah, well expectation is a bitch.

The golden word here is compromise – that shiny idea that this world is only big enough to fit a part of everyone’s expectations.

So the idea is that we ALL lower our expectations, not just everyone except you.

Here is a helpful metaphor-

Remember that time when your mother used to thrash you for peeing in the kitchen utensils everyday?

Your expectation is that even though she might be angry, she will see the inate humour a good peeing provides and laughs it off. Her expectation is to have a sane child, even if she has to beat the crazy out of you.

But if you apply compromise to this equation, it becomes apparent that the solution is the middle path – Both of you need to stop BEFORE you end up in a morgue and she ends up in jail.

You might be feeling as if this metaphor has gotten away from both of us. But lets try that fancy ‘compromise’ thing and just say you need to grow up and peeing is hilarious.

5) Perhaps, but we are all unique so you should be understanding

Oh my Dah-Ling cupcake.

If I were you, I would not be the banner carrier for a trait whose only other useful purpose (other than giving you an excuse to act like a complete bastard) is to help the cops identify you once I finally snap and shoot you through the face.

‘Unique’ is that word your lover pulled out of their ass when you suddenly refused to have sex unless you were told you ‘why’ they liked you.

You see, if you actually were unique – in that you had a third eye or a fifth leg or a second penis or ninth breast – then you would not have to ask. EVERYONE would go out of their way to understand.

Just telling me to treat you as if you were special doesn’t make it happen. You actually have to do something to ‘unique’ before I think you are.

What you are is ‘different’. ‘Different’ means that you are just like the rest of us, only with a slight variation.

And by ‘slight’ I mean you are just different enough to stop me from thinking more than twice before I kill you for meat, in case a Zombie apocalypse breaks out and we run out of food.

We are all different. And we are all annoying or loving, irritating or snuggable. We are all dealing with it and somehow trying to make it work.

Deal with it.

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