The English Guide to India: A – C

                                   A                                 

Shah_'Alam_conveying_the_grant_of_the_Diwani_to_Lord_Clive

What is it? –

A is the first letter of the English alphabet.

Indians have always presumed that this made it the first off the boat when the English came over here to enslave our noble selves.

Although many scholars have pointed out that since the English self-identify with the alphabet E, it was probably E and not A, an alphabet that does not even occur in English, which took that historic first nautical step.

These historians have since been banned for spreading communal tension and trying to rewrite history, since as we all know the English are actually known as the ‘Angreez’ and therefore A comes a whole three alphabets before E.

Indians have never really forgiven A for its black history and still tend to stigmatize and look down upon words that begin with A – like Activism, Accountability and Azad Kashmir.

 

 

Sample Indian words –

A for Abhay

Abhay is a common North Indian prefix to abuses. For example – Abhay Saale! Abhay yaar! Abhay teri Maa ki …etc.

While historians are not sure how this came to be, since Abhay is also a common Indian male name, it is presumed that at some point in our ancient history, some Abhay did something heinous to some populace or species of animal.

It is also presumed by the “for shits and giggles” school of thought that children are named Abhay because it is hilarious and a subtle hint by their parents that they are in fact, hated.

A for Angry

Angry is the most favourite word of Indians as it is usually our default theme in life.

Half of our laws are designed to stop people from getting angry and the other half primarily deal with ways to stop the people who have gotten angry anyway.

Being angry is such a wide spread problem in India that from time to time we have come up with ways to help us cope with the problem, like Yoga, Gandhism and whatever Karan Johar does. But these solutions have rarely worked in the long term.

 

                           B                        

What is it?

B is the second alphabet of the English language and like many second children it suffers from various identity, anxiety and existential issues, often telling massed audiences that the question was whether or not it should be.

B is a revered alphabet in India since it is occurs in some of our most favorite and dearly held icons – Bribe, B-School, Blind Belief, Bollywood, Bureaucracy, Bandh etc.

Sample Indian word –

438px-Lot_and_his_daughters-workshop_of_Bonifacio_de_PitatiB for Bhen Chod

Literally meaning “one who has sexual relations with one’s sister, as in sister by your own mother, cousin sisters are still okay, but not if they are older or from the father’s side of the family”

Not a historically well used swearword, its usage and the giggle factor associated with it has jumped several-fold since Indian Independence.

This is believed to be the unforeseen results of central and state schools telling millions of their students every day that “All Indians are your brothers and sisters” and the subsequent trebling of our population since 1947 nevertheless.

Now the policy of calling all Indians your brothers and sisters has been quietly dropped due to its scandalous and racist conations, which implied that Indians should vote by merit, not caste.

 

B for By – two

You can call the by-two the compromise we as a race have taken to find some middle ground before we all snap and go on that long-expected killing spree.

The by-two has a long and noble history in India. The most recent and famous example being that time when we told the British we would like one country, by-two. However most admit the Mahabharatian solution of one wife, by-five was probably pushing it a bit.

 

                           C

What is it?

C is the third alphabet of the English language.

C is particularly attractive to Indians because it is the start of two of our most favorite discussion points – Cricket and Country. The bent line that connects these two happily also begins with C – Crazy.

cricket_crazy

Sample Indian words –

C for Constitution

The word Constitution, in the Indian sense, is euphemism for a book that was read only by the people who wrote it and no one else, but is still spoken about, quoted from and proudly displayed on shelves everywhere.

Since actually opening and reading the book would cause the Riot-FIR-Twitter wave equation to collapse, no one has ever attempted this.

C for Chappals

431px-Traditional_footwear_on_sale,_UdaipurChappals are a kind of footwear that has a role of great depth in Indian life.

They teach you fear, especially when they are being firmly grasped in the hand of an angry woman with intent to cause bodily harm.

They teach you reverence, especially when they adorn the feet of the Chief Minister of your state and routinely get plane rides and gun-toting security guards assigned to them.

And if an angry chief minister holding her chappal faces you, you learn that especially in India, it is sometimes possible to become overeducated.

Chappals also help keep the Indian sense of spirituality alive and thriving by forcing us to face deep questions about religion and our fellow man. Especially when we find out that some idiot has stolen the chappals we left outside the temple even as we were praying to God for protection inside.

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