Surviving a plane crash

plane safety instructions
I presume this is what crashes usually look like. At least on safety instruction cards. (Photo by Marshall Astor)

“My Lord Akoroth, what is the point of these seat belts in this plane?”

“They are to ensure that, in the event of a crash, your charred remains, you know, remain attached to this seat my Lady. It helps with the post-roasting identification.”

“Come, come. Don’t think like that my Lord. There are many safety devices on this plane.”

“My Lady every bit of the safety in this plane is designed to ensure the plane never crashes. But if you stare at the fixed grin of the air hostess giving that wonderful safety demonstration, you do get lulled into believing that any part of the ‘safety’ is intended give you any help during a crash.”

“Is it not?”

“Let us examine them shall we?

First the overhead air masks. If air masks drop from the ceiling I think the panic alone from such event should ensure at least one heart attack. That man over there for example. He doesn’t look too healthy.

Then there are the life jackets. When the plane’s engines explode, it turns upside-down and plummets into the sea or smacks into the ground at 500 kilometers per hour, it is fondly hoped that we will reach down and pull out a flimsy yellow floating device literally out of our asses and calmly strap in on.

After that we have to get out of the emergency exit doors. I love those doors. Have you seen the instructions? Pull and lift handle, push out and pull in, LIFT DOOR ABOVE HEAD AND TOSS OUT.

If you are capable of doing any of that during a catastrophe, then you may as well stroll over to the flight deck and make a brave attempt to fly this plane yourself.”

“So what is your suggestion for increasing the chances of living through a plane crash my Lord?”

“Wish really, really hard that you are miraculous lone survivor.”

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