The new and exciting world of 739 friends on Facebook has gone to our heads. No there is no point is denying it. You know it’s true.
Much like a monkey let loose in a fruit shop we are going to fill every paw, foot and orifice with fruit and nothing and no one is going to stop us. And since we are so busy stuffing, we have reached a point where we are totally incapable of differentiating between the mango in our hand and the watermelon we just shoved up…somewhere.
I understand. I do. Like all monkey’s, we have lost all perspective of what a ‘friend’ is and what a ‘random fucker’ is.
Let the Order of Zor clarify this by arranging the myriad and complicated human connections into three easy steps.
While this will not speed up anyone’s race up the evolutionary ladder in any significant way at least it will tell certain people which bottom rung of which ladder they stand on.
Don’t worry. It is sufficiently simplified for the monkey mind.
Level One –
You haven’t spoken to in real life in the past six months but you randomly ping me online.You often tell me that your life is so packed that you have no time to chat.
Your USP is that you can have ‘wow’ chats with random people about random things. That’s just you!
Random – check
Uncertain timing – check
Vague feeling of unease – check
Closest similar experience – Dysentery. No one ever said clean bowels are not good for health per se, but too much of your kind and I just might kill myself.
Level two –
You sms once in 15 days to tell me about your ‘day’ and some ‘problem’ affecting you. You randomly cease talking to me the minute the next rational thought sizzles through your mind.
You proceed to keep absolute silence until the next time.
Pointlessly detailed – Check
Hollow – Check
Time consuming – Check
Closest similar experience – Alternate French cinema. I need you so that the numbers look good when I tell someone else. But you are never watched and I can’t really pronounce your name.
Level three –
You call me once a month to ‘catch up’. This mostly involves me listening to your horrible day for nine minutes. Then you as ask ‘So what’s up with you?’.
We speak for about ten minutes before the conversation mercifully ends.
Avoidable yet feared – check
Recurring – check
No cure – check
Closest experience –Non fatal Cancer. You certainly attract my undivided attention when you appear but out-of-sight is pretty much out-of-mind. Hand me another smoke will ya?
Level Four –
I follow your life with all the sincerity and legality of a stalker. I not only know the names of your future children but already have embarrassing stories to tell them about their parents in alphabetical order.
You know of this post before Google.
Cuddling is also allowed if sufficient alcohol is involved – check
Has never asked if I was insane – check
Has heard me cry about stubbed toe – check
Closest similar experience –Friendship (imagine hearts and balloons floating around the word while it is illuminated with spotlights).
Say that word again. Let it roll around in your mouth. Feel its texture. Run your hands around its curves. Feels nice doesn’t it.
So, now that we are both, if not on the same page or book or genre, at least in the same library. Let me enlighten yee –
Do not sms me once in 20 days about a completely random subject totally unconnected with anything happening in my life currently, while completely ignoring any explanation as to where you went for those 20 days.
Actually if you have random conversations with random people once every 20 days then you have bigger problems viz-a-viz the social skills of a of a retarded baboon.
But this is not meant to be a personal attack. Well not much anyway.