The idiocy that is Airtel customer service

UPDATE: Airtel Customer Care number for Chennai is – 044 – 44444121 (this number worked for me and I have no idea why it is not there on their website)

Dear Airtel,

I have long wondered if there is some level of idiot-specialty that one must reach before I can enter your service division.

Or are you breeding a new species of super idiots to run your customer service?

I know you have intelligent people within you. Each month the bill is calculated with a level of efficiency and accuracy that would put inter-galactic space aliens to shame.

But to say that your service department is a let-down is the biggest understatement since Karan Johar was told – “You aren’t very manly“.

Is there any other explanation for the fact that you, dear Airtel, list your customer care number as –

“Dial 121 from your fixed line or mobile Airtel phone.”

Thanks a lot genius.

But what if it is my fixed line itself that is dead and I don’t have an Airtel mobile number?

What then?

Do I send you smoke signals? Do I send you a telegraph? Do I send those two men that Gabbar Singh sent to kill Jai and Veeru?

What do I do Airtel? WHAT?

Since you provided no great clarifications on that point, I decided to give our relationship another chance and headed to the world wide web – that great repository of all human knowledge.

On a side note: Since I didn’t actually find a service number there, is it safe to assume that you and human and not inter-connected?

Anyway, I Googled – “Airtel Customer Care No, Chennai

The first result is the official site.

Airtel, If you look at that blurb that Google helpfully provides, you notice it tells me a whole lot of useless crap about the “services” that you claim to provide.

(I try not to laugh at this point but you can feel free)

But that blurb lists no number.

I will tell you Airtel, at that point my optimism had already been run down by a pack of hyenas and its bloody carcass was being stripped down to the bone.

Perhaps you are confused Airtel, to the point of that blurb. Let me, so to speak, provide you with a service –

When Google created that little blurb, the idea was that to put USEFUL information there so users are not forced to open your crappy site for the smallest bit of information.

You totally ignored that part, didn’t you? You thought fuck it, let’s fill it with crap, didn’t you? Oh yes, you did, you filthy animal.

Why Airtel? Why? Why do I have to enter your site?

Are you running your business through page views?

When your VPs meet, do they sit around smoking cigars and then proceed to take off their pants and shout manfully – look how large my page view count is?

Aren’t you a mobile and broadband provider? So why do you care who enters your site? Why Airtel?

Well, whatever your reasons, I think it is because I am a closet masochist that I did, in fact, enter your site.

Oh look! So much useless crap. WHERE IS THE HELP SECTION!

Right. There it is. Er..nice font I guess…but a bit small…tiny really. That button is not taking its pants off in any meetings.

So I click “Contact us”

This takes me…somewhere.

As I scan the page, I am truly amazed to see how if you want to GIVE Airtel money, i.e become an investor, they have not only helpfully provided TWO telephone numbers, but a FAX number as well.

(So I can fax over my soul?)

On the other hand, if I want Airtel to give me some SERVICE for the money I have already paid…

Well, since they already have my money I can fuck off and click a second link .

Oh look, another screen. This is the third screen I have been forced to look at before Airtel is even making the minimal effort to just give me a number.

What the fuck for?

Why not just load a huge page with all the information listed in a table.

Airtel, if we have come so far in this relationship, we have obviously long ago gone beyond the point where I will be impressed by site’s dropdown menus and radio buttons.

That is like beating your partner to death with a crowbar and laying pretty flowers on their corpse before you bury the body in an abandoned field several kilometers out of town.

Impressive. Disturbing. But pointless.

I figure this is your screening system. Lesser humans, with smaller resolves, weaker willpower and of a mettle that is more fragile, will just give up and throw their broadband modems out of the window at this point.

But I was not so simple to break! I had a mission and despite the pain, I struggled on!

So I click customer support…

This loads my fourth screen. And it takes me – (two points for guessing…)

FUCKING NOWHERE!

What is the point of all of this?

In fact, here is a thought; maybe you should spend less money making your “Har ek friend zaroori hota hai” songs and more money in being FUCKING FRIENDLY.

And FYI, there are certain species out there, in the deep depths of the Pacific. They have never seen humans, never known a world beyond their icy black waters.

In fact, they do even know they are on planet Earth.

They are single-celled and have not even evolved brains.

If I found a way to communicate with them and asked them (after properly explaining what the internet, service, broadband etc is) what would be the first thing they would put on a website for customer care, I am willing to bet that even they would answer – a giant number on the home page that can be dialed from any phone, any where!

Of course that is assuming you idiots actually want to give me any service.

So here is my plan –

I will rip my phone out of the wall, drive to the nearest Airtel office and throw the phone through the front glass with an attached note saying –

“Dial 14329 from this phone to reach the person who did this…”

Possibly that may get me some bloody service.

Regards,
Lord Akoroth

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