Ninja-proofing your home

Ninja woodcut
This shit not be as easy as the drawing make it look, so says Ninja-san

“Psst…over here…”

“My Lord Akoroth, you called me up 12 floors to your bedroom at 3 am to huddle under a table? Have you even read those sexual harassment laws I posted?”

“What laws? There are laws? Anyway there is a Ninja coming up the halls to assassinate me…”

“Is there? Fascinating my Lord. However I still fail to see my purpose here. You have guards…”

“It is a Ninja! She will dance right through them…”

“She is making her way through 1500 palace guards and your solution is to summon your accountant and duck under a table? Is it armoured?”

“It’s tasteful and rosewood. That’s about it.”

“Well, in that case tough luck my Lord, I believe my own Ninja-free bed is that-a-way. I will remember of you fondly…”

“Shut up and back here heathen! This table is over my security camera screens embedded in the floor. Here, let me turn them them on…”


“Is that the stables? You have cameras in the stables?!”

“Whoops. Where is that change switch? Hang on…”

“Do the horses know?”

“Here we are. Nevermind the horses Record Keeper. Look! the hall cameras are showing us something…”

“I don’t see anything…”

“Clearly the guard standing there is dead and only propped up to fool eyes like yours Record Keeper. Deception and silent killing are the twin pillars of a Ninja.”

“Hmmm, right you are my Lord. The knife sticking out of the collarbone is the clue I suppose.”

“Exactly. And now we switch to the passageway leading up here. Look…”

“The traps have not been triggered…”

“Yes. But you can see the marks where she crawled along the ceiling, Record Keeper. Clearly she is using an Ashiko, the famed climbing clogs of the ninja that them let scale any obstacle.”

“Impressive stuff my Lord.”

“True true. Now we move to the second corridor…”

“I believe, Lord Akoroth, that there were supposed to be some guards there. Big fellows, armour, cloaks, guns, STDs. Hard to miss really.”

“Vanished! Just like that! Mystery and intrigue is at work here, Record Keeper. They are the cloak of a Ninja…”

“I think they are cloaked in black my Lord…”

“That is a popular misconception fueled by the movies Record Keeper. They can wear any disguise to reach their target.”

“How would she even escape my Lord? Once she kills you that is…”

“The ‘escape’ is a particular trait of the ninja. She will undoubtedly create an alarm and slip out during the confusion. Or I will not be found till morning by which time she will be far, far away.”

“Well she is in the passage outside. It is brightly lit and there are three guards patrolling. So that’s that. Can I go back to bed now?”

“Oh yee of little faith! Light and shadow are the ever-changing ally of the Ninja. Watch closely! A shadow in a brightly lit corridor. The right moment. A single step back. Now she will be nothing more than a slightly darker shade pressed against the darkened wall…”



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa – *thud*

“That is, Record Keeper, IF there was a wall there…”

“I see my Lord. How long have you been ninja-proofing this castle and more importantly WHEN were you planning on telling me?”

“I figured when you started sneaking around, ducking into the shadows and all, you would find out by yourself Record Keeper.”

“Right. Goodnight then Lord Akoroth.”

“Goodnight Record Keeper.”

Read more Ninja adventures here!

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